Lady in the Water (1 point)

            I have a confession to make: I’ve seen this movie once before. I saw it once when I was very young, but I had no idea what was going on in the movie. Since then I'd seen many a review and analysis since, and still barely understood what happened in the movie. So, now I’ve seen Lady in the Water in over a decade and I’m still not quite sure what I saw. I think I just witnessed M. Night Shyamalan have a mental breakdown in movie form? This is genuinely one of the most fascinating movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I feel so bad for his daughters who he wrote this as a bedtime story for. Imagine being a little girl and hearing this insane story read to you before bed.

           Almost nothing works how I assume Shyamalan intended it to and it results in a nightmare that I just can’t look away from. It's amazing how nothing and everything is happening at the same time. I think Shyamalan wanted to build tension and intrigue but it just doesn't work. The performances are hilarious; almost every line delivery made me burst out laughing. Shout out to my favorite line in the movie, "I don't know why I'm the Madame Narf!" I get that Shyamalan is going for classic fairy tale stuff, but it just doesn't work with how seriously he wants us to take this film. The characters all act like cartoon characters and talk about things like narfs and scrunts with the seriousness of a grounded drama.

          If you’re someone who believes in death of the author, this movie exists to challenge you specifically. What other multi-million dollar have you seen where the writer/director plays a thinly veiled self-insert who's writing ability will help save the world? M. Night Shyamalan basically said “oh you think my movies suck? I disagree, I think they’re epic. Check this out, I’m a magic writer hero in this one and a critic gets eaten by a monster. Fuck you.” Let's talk about that last part for a second, because it's one of the most insane scenes I've ever seen in a movie. So the critic is walking down a hallway looking for the bathroom and sees a scrunt (a grass wolf monster thing). He then says, and I quote, "This is like a moment in a horror movie," and goes on to describe the tropes of the scene. Instead of running away, he just stands there running his mouth about how much this is is like a horror movie and then reasons that, if this is a family film, the character won't die and it could even be funny. He then gets eaten alive by the scrunt. I can’t help but respect the audacity of it all. Instead of ignoring the critics who disliked his then recent films or engaging with their opinions in a meaningful way, Shyamalan just has the equivalent of a temper tantrum and released it into theaters. I paid $1.99 to watch this movie and I wish I paid more; this movie is such a train wreck that I hope everyone involved gets paid reparations. I love it so much.

 Oh yeah and I guess it’s an example of putting fantastical elements in an urban setting or something. Did you know that Shyamalan had the entire apartment building and a half-city block of houses built for this movie? That’s nuts. I really hope they didn't just tear it all down after filming. 

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